Swimming Lessons
by annasaurus-rex
Summary: Snape teaches Voldemort and Lucius how to swim.


**A/N- This is weird... & rubbish. But I'm so bored (and that makes it okay) :D**

"My Lord, I can assure you that I have even less desire to be here than you have," Snape drawled in amusement. He watched Voldemort as he clutched his bright blue swimming bag with terror etched onto his snake-like face. Lucius was in a sulk behind them, kicking his bag with every step he took.

"Snape, is it... safe?" Voldemort whispered.

"Of course it's safe. My job is to teach you how to swim. You cannot die here, not if you take this seriously. There will be no messing around, no violence or any other sort of funny business. Got that?"

* * *

Snape had to fight back his laughter when Voldemort came out of the changing room in his swimming trunks, carrying an assortment of swimming accessories.

"Snape! What the hell do I do with these?" he said angrily, as if the accessories had purposefully made themselves confusing.

"Right... so these, these are ear plugs. So just put them in your ears... yeah, like that. This is a swimming hat, but you don't need that, because you don't have any hair. These are goggles, these go round your head like- that. This is a nose plug, but you don't need that, because... uh... you don't have a nose," Snape stifled his giggles behind the back of his hand but Voldemort didn't notice- he was too busy trying to put his legs into armbands.

"No, no, they go round your arms. I have to ask... where did you get all these accessories from?"

"Oh, Bellatrix set us up with them. She was quite a swimmer at Hogwarts, you know. Right, so, do I just get in the water now?"

"Yeah, just get in while I help Lucius get ready. What's taking him so long?"

"Lucius? Are you in there? Are you alright?" he called through the door of the changing room.

"Oh. Merlin. Snape, I think this is for women. I might possibly have picked up a women's costume instead of the trunks."

This did not help Snape's giggle fit and he had to bite the inside of his mouth to stop him laughing. Lucius had squashed himself into a flowery women's swimming costume and it did not leave a lot to the imagination.

"It's fine," Snape sniggered, looking away from Lucius.

Lucius gave a small, nervous laugh and said,

"It doesn't actually look that bad, does it? Anyway, I don't need any ear plugs or hat or anything, let me in the water!"

Upon sight of Lucius, Voldemort exclaimed,

"What the bloody hell are you wearing?"

"Never mind that, let's swim!"

Snape regained his composure and walked around the pool to where Voldemort and Lucius were having a splashing fight.

"Right, so just grab one of these floats... and put it underneath your head. Then push off and move your feet up and down; it's quite easy to understand."

Most things are only easy to understand once you have seen them. And neither Voldemort nor Lucius had ever really seen anybody swim. Voldemort tried to set off standing up. Lucius seemed to have no control over his feet and was waving them around like an octopus.

"Okay. Maybe that's not the best idea to start with," Snape sighed," Let's have a race. Get to the other side of the pool without touching the bottom of the pool. Loser has to wear their swimming kit back to Headquarters. Fair?"

They both nodded agreement and pushed each other out of the way. They were struggling to set off without touching the bottom, but they soon got the hang of it. They were neck and neck until Voldemort dragged Lucius under the water, almost drowning him. He quickly recovered, sped up and pulled Voldemort's trunks down.

"I'm going to get you, Lucius!" he cried, but swam for dear life so as not to lose the race.

They were tied, and they rejoiced in their victory, until Snape dampened their spirits,

"You both won. But you are both the losers... so you're both going to have to walk back to Headquarters dressed as you are. Don't argue- I'm the one with a wand."

* * *

When they'd arrived back at HQ, Draco nearly wet himself with laughter.

"Dad! A _woman's _bathing suit? What were you thinking?"

Voldemort had resumed his wand when he returned, so he Obliviated all the memories of the Death Eaters. Except Draco, because he thought he could do with a laugh, even if it was at his expense.

As for Snape, he signed up as the official Death Eater swimming coach, if only because it proved that they weren't as evil and fearless as they liked to appear...


End file.
